Hi Tumblr, been long since I last wrote something. It is the only thing I could thought of to spill some emotions.
Omgawwd, I swear life has been really hectic & tiring. Those group projects that caused me endless stress & trouble from the very beginning of school, is enough to kill. What’s worst? The project isn’t ending anytime soon. I have not been enjoying myself, for months. And to say about the change of class, it’s reality. I know jolly well about the society, but I don’t find a need in the change, somehow. I would say, it’s redundant.
I dislike adapting myself in a new environment, to understand more people or even going as far as improving my PR skills. I miss my T03, I really do. I would really exchange my GPA for the class to get back.
It’s no joke. Life’s been tough, miserable, anything bad you can think of. My happiness all the times only happen with the T03s. The only thing I look forward to, is them. Be it the clique or not, I enjoy all their presence.
At 1:58am, I scrolled through my tagged photos/ videos. Those photos from the beginning of Poly, are really memorable. I truthfully say, I missed those times more than my secondary school life somehow. Things were way meaningful back then. Maybe I would say, things were less complicated. Now, many things changed. And I am not surprise how everyone grow along with time.
Recently, I feel darkness in my world. Always feeling emotional & insecure. I have many friends, so what? I only have trusted those near to me, those I’ve spent my last one year in the same class. Up till now, the feelings towards them hasn’t at all change. All of them are as important to me no matter what craps we have been through in life.
I believe I am someone hard to understand, someone unpredictable but you should know when you are someone I love, I would do anything to protect you. If I have hurt you, I would say it wasn’t on purpose. My character have always been easily misunderstood because I can be really straightforward about almost everything. I swear, it meant no harm or motive to upset anyone.
How I wished, time could have paused for me & the world could stop revolving that moment of joy I had with them. Things wouldn’t be the same anymore. Things are getting complicated. Things are going wrong.
I just want to say, I have been here all these while. Many things might look like they have changed. However, my feelings have not changed. I treasure each & everyone of you I spent time with.
Sometimes, I don’t really understand myself too. After a few days of sorting out my thinking… I have came to a conclusion, I don’t hold anything against anyone. I’ve done my best trying to pull things together in the first place yet it didn’t work. So, I gave up after 3 tries. I admit I am impatient, I am harsh, I am horrible in some sense when it comes to expressing. Please understand, whenever I flare up, it means that I cared alot. Only when I care, my emotions get strong & took over my logic at times.
Been long I have really enjoyed myself. What’s on the outside, doesn’t imply what is happening inside. This emptiness, is getting stronger. And , I don’t like it. Despite all these while, I really do still love you. Believe it or not, you meant alot to me. Even if it comes to an end, we still have all those happy memories back then :’) Looking through all those KTV videos we had, those photos we took, they are amazing be it nice or not. Try spending an hour to go through them one-by-one, recap where, what and when of the photo, it will make you emotional.
At least we captured these shots of happiness, Something worth to look at & think back in the future after we graduated or moved on from Poly. Happy to have known T03. It’s been a wrong choice coming to NP CMC, but it’s consider a blessing in disguise knowing them. It’s all worth the tears & effort I guess :’) At least something I have not regretted is to make friends with the awesome people.
We might be simple-minded, less aggressive then others, less competitive but that’s what made us happy. It’s all these simplicity that counts. Quarrels are conflicts are parts & parcels in life. There shouldn’t be any hatred or unhappiness hidden. For many past incidents we came across, it still didn’t affect us because we still support each other like a whole big family. As for myself, I suggest clarifications are needed to prolong a friendship.
There will always be people spreading tales, misunderstandings, slight unhappiness within. Well, that’s life. We can’t always be perfect in each others’ eyes. We can’t keep changing each others’ habit. We love each other as we are, that’s the whole point. We need time to understand one another & we won’t live up to one anothers’ expectations. From here, we learn how to give in.
I am just too tired recently to piece things back together. All those sleepless nights, busy work schedule, lack of cashflow, homework issues, additional out-of-clique conflict is enough to drown me. I just expected more understanding & care as well. Deep inside, I have never forgotten or neglect about anyone. Maybe it’s just that I am losing initiative in many things compared to last time.
Ever since the start of this sem, I have drifted apart from my 14 years of best friend. We had a row :( Dear Kevin, I swear it wasn’t on purpose to forget you, I was really busy. Sorry for keep planning meet-ups but unable to go.
Dear KC, you have been really patient with me all this while. I am sorry I have neglected you too despite your initiate to meet & text all the times. I missed those in-class moments with you as much as I love my clique now. You can imagine <3
And for the rest of you who suddenly felt the distant, I am sorry :’) It’s okay you have your difficulties too, I understand how things seems to be. When things are falling apart, it just gives me more trouble, that is why I would choose not to bother. However, I am still as bothered, if not I wouldn’t express this long post of emotions despite all those assignments. I just hope after this post, I can make myself feel better.
This post isn’t meant to offend anyone. It is just purely how empty I feel & also explain the difference within me during these recent period of time. Seriously, it hasn’t been easy on me, really it hasn’t.